Hank Rearden, please.
sigh...
 
Saturday, June 25
 
Guilty Pleasures

Highlights and a cut
Driving my own car a little too fast
Annie Lennox, Ice Cube, and Alan Jackson in my CD player
Iced sugar-free vanilla latte
Breakfast at the counter of my favorite cafe
Uninterrupted time online to look at graduate schools
The grocery store (I'm a weirdo)
The Simpsons
Spreadable gorgonzola on table water crackers with sliced plum tomatoes
Peanut Reeses Pieces
Audio post from Edge
Haagen-Dazs sorbet in my freezer

I'm a lucky girl.


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Monday, June 20
 
Anticipation

Love it. Think it's why I love being tied.


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Checking in

So...I haven't been avoiding as much as I have been too damned busy to post. I've written two lengthy posts while on airplanes that became quickly out-of-date...and I couldn't find the requisite energy to fix them. I'm trying to keep my head above water at work and manage the multiple relationships I have outside of work...primarily trying to get better with friends and family. I'm finding my efforts at work to be less motivating than I'd hoped and I'm finding my relational efforts to be more complex than I'd hoped. I'm great at hiding, which results in not having to explain anything. Well, when you don't hide and people notice you are unhappy, then you have to explain. Can't you just be happy I'm around?

I've also wanted to respond to edge's post re: honesty in relationships. Again, just haven't had the energy and in some ways, the post irritated me a little and that made it even harder to respond. I know the reason it irritated me though...cause it was so true...but I don't want it to be true. Here's my bottom line: I want more honesty in my relationships than I've given over the last year and a half. I want this for selfish reasons. Carrying around this much guilt is ridiculous. Also...I wouldn't want what I'm giving. Do onto others, right?

More soon. I'm not going anywhere for now.


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Tuesday, June 14
 
Today is one of those days

when I need a good fuck.

Long, hard fuck.

And my nipples need to be pinched. and pulled. and licked. and tugged. and bitten.

And my cunt needs to be filled. and fucked raw.

And my clit...well, you know what to do with my clit.


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Comtemplating Futures

J asked me yesterday if I was having a hard time with the blog now...because of the "complexity" (my word, not his). R and I have discussed this a few times, too.

At first, I didn't think it was an issue.

I remembered then that I'm trying to say what I'm really going through my head and not filter it to make things better (note: that's I'm trying to be more truthful with everyone).

And when I think about it...yes...it's different.

Not because of him.

Everyone I currently chat / exchange emails with reads this. Since the time that each of those relationships changed from reading and commenting to emails and to then phone calls for some this changed. At one point about a year ago, the same thing happened and I moved (for those of you keeping track, that was from finding my voice to bound catherine...all the archives from both sites are here for those of you who haven't been part of the nomadic herd).

I needed to reclaim my space.

Feel free.

I'm feeling that way again. I feel stifled. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I filter.

I need to stop with all of that.

I know it seems odd...and I'm asking myself the questions of "will I just filter what I tell them via email or over the phone?" I don't know.

I do know there's a reason there are locks on diarys and that is what my blog has always been for me.

Not sure what the future of this site is...we'll see.


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Wednesday, June 8
 


Hi there. R. Yesterday wasn't fun. I got upset. You got upset and were trying to protect me. I think it's just a culmination of everything from the last few days. Saturday night. Fuck. It was a rocket ... set us off.

Soon ... soon.


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Sunday

So we sat there at our kitchen table. It's small. Probably only three feet in diameter. We sat at adjacent corners but I felt like we were on other sides of the house. I wanted to lay in bed and talk. He was right. We needed to do this. He wasn't letting me hide.

Everything came out in declarative sentences ... followed by sobs.

"I feel like I'm holding you back."
"I'm lonely when you're traveling."
"I feel like everything I do upsets you."
"I want to spend my entire life with you."
"I want you to be happy with yourself."
"The more time I spend with you the more I want to know you when you're 70 and I want to fuck you when you're 70."
"You better still want to fuck me when I'm 70."
"I've done my thing, I want you to do yours."
"I can't have children with you like this."
"I can't tell you how badly that upset me."
"You were incredible. I couldn't have asked anything more of you."
"I don't want you to regret that you're here."
"I have no regrets with you and I never will."

Between Saturday and Sunday, I don't think I've cried that much in the last five years.

Like I said. I forget sometimes how well he knows me. I'm fucking transparent. Yesterday, he sounded terrible when I talked to him. I felt so, so, so much better.

"What's wrong?"
"I felt really good, but now I'm worried that I just convinced you to stay and you don't really want to."
"Honey, I haven't felt this good in forever. It's all out there."
"Really?"
"Yes."

So here I am. I haven't felt this good about A in a long, long time though. I'm not ready to give up anyone else though. Fuck.


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Monday, June 6
 


We had it out.
Twice.
One was very bad.
We've never really had make-up sex before.
We did on Sunday morning.
We both realized what we were missing.
I hope it doesn't mean we'll give ourselves reason to more frequently.
We talked and I finally told him what's on my mind.
He told me what's on his mind.
He knows I was about to leave.
Sometimes I forget that he knows me like he does.
We had an incredible evening.
I'm staying.


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Wednesday, June 1
 
Kat...or Beth...and Brady, too

Okay kids...one of us is in need. Kat...who now goes by Beth...and her little boy, Brady, are having a rough time of it. So...Edge had the idea that we should try to help her out.

I agree. 100 percent.

So...if you realize you have a little extra sittin' around this month and are looking to support someone who could use it...

1. Go to www.paypal.com
2. Login if you have a paypal account. If not, create one for yourself.
3. Click on Send Money at the top
4. Follow the instructions.

Beth's email address is katriana.delucean@gmail.com. That's all the information of hers that you'll need. She hasn't registered for a paypal account (yet) and it will say that. No worries, I'm sure she'll set it up once she can get online long enough to do so. The cash won't go anywhere in the meantime.


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Tuesday, May 31
 


So I wrote out this long post on the plane back yesterday about how I was going to leave...I wept the entire time. When I saw him pull up at the airport, I melted and remembered why I've hung in there.


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Saturday, May 28
 
One other thing

I'm watching The Prince Of Tides right now (for about the 16th time). Just wanted to tell you how much I love this movie.


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Holiday

I'm on holiday with a friend. It feels strange...a little awkward but also comfortable.

I'll be back with more next week.

Everyone think incredible thoughts for SN and little NB.


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Monday, May 23
 
Time for a little James

If you've paid attention with one eye closed and the other squinted over the last few days, you know it has been an emotional time for me. Between A and J and you...you know who you are...(you need a name. Anyone want to name him? Whenever I give you guys contests they don't work out so hot, but I'm gonna give you one anyway. Name him.)

Okay, I'm getting to a point. There are some thing I need to get out here that I've been putting off cause I think I'm in denial and I needed some uninterrupted time with a glass of red. So here goes...

First, I kinda freaked out at J a couple of weeks ago. He asked me something about the other men with whom I've chatted and asked if I had been with them like I had been with him. I thought he should have known better than to have asked the question. He said he didn't. I felt like he had no clue how taken I was with him and how crazed I am about him and about finding opportunities to spend with him. I also felt like I had no idea about how he felt about me and I was upset. After we logged off, I shot off an irritated email to him...he responded and asked me to take a deep breath. I did...and then the disclosures started. Accidently at first, then intentionally. First the blog. Then the client story. Then A. Then he who has no name. In the middle, I learned some things about J that are incredibly upsetting, but nothing over which he has control. Nothing he's doing. Nothing he can change. Just some things about how things are. Some things that now explain all of the distance that has been between us over the last year or so. In the process of all of this I learned how much he cares for me and why we've never met. Everything has fallen into place...just fallen to different places than I would have ever imagined. So now he knows. He knows everything I want him to know. He could be reading this now. I think he's read most of the archives. Hi, there.

Second, A. Let's just say that things are tense. My actions are raising questions...mainly because I've been keeping my distance. There are a couple of reasons other than us, but it's hurting him regardless. I've made up my mind about everything, I just need to act.

Third, he who has no name. He's wrapped up in the middle of all of this--all of my emotional ups and downs--and is suffering from it. He's known everything from the beginning...all of my complications, all of my issues. I haven't written about him here explicitly...but I have written about him. You've been incredible. Thank you for not pulling back too far and for putting up with my craziness. (More on him later.)

And there are others and issues and things I don't want to think about right now. I've been making a commitment to stay in better touch with people from home...which has proven both stressful and fulfilling. I still haven't talked to my dad. I haven't figured that one out yet.


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Breathe Deep

from my tummy. not one of those western-like chest breaths. (listen to your yoga instructor...)

I'm trying to let everything out. Disclosures everywhere. Will write more soon. For now...I just need to breathe.

Breathe deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsetter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy's spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow white,
But we decide which is right,
And which is an illusion.

--Moody Blues


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In the middle of everything is my desire to not hurt you. I want you to figure out what you need. I can't think that I am enough. I've told you before that I want you to be happy with you first. I can't make everything ok for the both of us and I think you'll resent me in the end. I think you already do resent me in some ways. Have I been selfish? Yes. I've made choices for me that I hoped would also be for us. I'm not sure what you think we'd be doing if I hadn't. I've been given no choices for anything but this. And don't think I'm letting you off the hook.


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Disclosure

sometimes feels great
sometimes makes me remember why I withheld in the first place


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Sunday, May 22
 
Tip of the Day

If something is bothering you, please don't wait until you're dropping me off at the airport and we're 2 miles from the door to tell me. And if you do, please don't try to tell me it's really you and not me but then when we get 300 yards from the my terminal tell me it's me. And THEN, when I inform you that this might not be the best time to start this conversation, please don't start in on my travel schedule.

If this seems too unreasonable, then please let me know.


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Funk

It's that time again folks...

Except for a couple of bright spots, I didn't like this weekend much.

Can I just start over from the beginning?


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Friday, May 20
 
Let me do it quick and then I'll be done with it.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

It has nothing to do with the fact that someone thought I was a flight attendant.

Although...maybe that's what started it.

For the record, I have nothing against flight attendants.

Has everything to do with the fact that I'm not in my own bed tonight and I should be.
And that I haven't eaten dinner yet.
And my shoulders are in KNOTS.

Okay. I'm done.


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Wednesday, May 18
 
wants

If I'm not on my stomach, please just roll me over.
And if I'm not wet, please just rest your cock outside my cunt and kiss my neck.
If I don't ask, please place your cock outside my wet lips.

I want you to go slow. I want to feel every single ridge and line. I want your mouth to own me. Own my neck. Own my thoughts.

Once you're buried, I want you to stay there for a bit. Ask me how much I love you inside me.

Once you feel me begin to squeeze your cock, I want you to fuck me. Witless. Speechless. Have me coming up off the bed to meet you.

I'd rather give you what you want though.


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Tuesday, May 17
 
Experiment


nip 2
Originally uploaded by dagnytagart.

SN and I are conducting a little experiment. Actually, it was a joke gone bad on my part. Anyway. I'm going to dinner looking like this.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna need it.

I'll probably get arrested.



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With both feet

So I had a strange encounter this evening. A guy I used to chat with about a year and a half ago (no, not J), IMed me a few days ago and said he was having a rough time of it. He and I actually became quick friends when we first started chatting. The sexual part died down at some point and I ended up giving him dating advice after we chatted a few times (which, by the way, I'm completely unqualified at given my experience). When we first started chatting, he was newly single...finishing up a divorce. After a few months of us being friends, he got a different job and moved and we lost touch because it was harder for him to be online at work, etc. Email wasn't our thing ... and well, we just lost touch.

ANYWAY...I emailed him and acknowledged his message. He came online tonight looking to chat. The tenor of our conversations before we drifted apart was very friend like...we talked about what each other had going on in our lives.

I thought this was how this conversation was going to be, too.

I was wrong.

After we got through the story of his breakup (we were close when they started dating and I know their whole story), he was all about me. I think he thought we would drift back to where we first started...it was weird. I haven't chatted online like that in so long...I didn't know what the fuck to do. This is going to sound incredibly silly, but I felt out of practice and it felt good. The whole thing creeped me out...and yet I wanted to be there for him...and yet that wasn't how I wanted to be there for him...

This is going to sound incredibly naive and incredibly stupid...and yet (not but) I'm going to say it anyway: I felt used.

It brought something to light for me though. There are reasons why I stopped going into chat rooms. There are reasons why I have only chosen to let a few people crawl around inside me. And given what I've experienced with those people, I'm glad I have. I guess it just reinforces something...

I don't do half-assed well.


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Prized Links of the Day

More from my "too much time on her hands" day...

It's obvious that I love reading erotica. There's a special place for it along side my other porn. Anyway, I stumbled across the blog of Violet Blue today...who edits some of the better word porn out there. Check out her site...there's a ton of info there.

I also found the smart girls porn club.

And, I finally populated my bloglines feeds...whew.


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PSA: The Little Vibrator That Couldn't

My most recent trip to the porn shop resulted in a few purchases...some reading material, some protection, and some toys. Three new toys, to be exact: duotone balls, a waterproof vibe (that looks like a rubber ducky), and a small curved vibe to complement my travel vibe (one inside and one on my clit).

Oh, and by the way, about my dildo, I don't think Glasston is gonna do it, folks. Not sure about Hank either. Maybe Henry...although Lilian Rearden was the only one in the book who called him that and she was a bitch...anyway, I'm still taking ideas for the name.

I digress...

I was incredibly pleased with my purchases (except one of the books) until last week. I think I wore out the curved one. A high-pitched sound started coming from the motor...and it lost some of it's power....so I changed the batteries in hopes that it would stop.

Nope.

Now I've got a conspicuous looking paperweight. Just so you know, it's made by Fun Factory.


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Two thoughts from the shower...

1. If my hips were the vertex of a 120 degree angle and my shoulders that of a 90 degree angle with my hands out in front of me bracing myself against the wall and you were behind me with your cock in your hand, what angle would your knees need to bend to in order for your cock to enter my pussy? My ass?

2. I love the way the temperatures change in the shower when you're there with me. Your hands raising my arms to place my hands against the cool tile. The hot water streaming down my chest, my cunt, and my legs. The cool air sweeping across my ass and back when I have it pushed back for you. The stinging heat on my ass from your hand. The warmth on my waist where your hands grip me.

Today is proof that I could never work from home. I'd never get anything done...if I were more creative, I'd go into phone sex...then I could work from home.


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Brings a tear to my eye...

...the pride I feel when I see that someone has found me by Googling Sexdonald's.


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Mornin' sunshine...

My flight was cancelled this morning and there is no other flight to get me there at a reasonable hour...so I'm bypassing city #2. There is a ton of work stuff I could have jumped into, but instead I took the opportunity to relax...I went and had breakfast and read the "newspaper."

Unfortunately, it didn't have the desired effect. Let's take a look back at the front-page headlines that set me off ...
  • Gay-marriage debate still intense a year later...every time I see anything about gay marriage, I have an immediate negative reaction. I can't believe it's even an issue.
  • History, judges at stake in Senate...I'm glad the Democrats have done what they can to prevent some of Bush's nominees...I just wish the party had a spine.
  • Newsweek retracts story...inexcusable.
  • Less fat cuts breast cancer relapse...anyone with a basic understanding of the body and how food affects the body could have predicted this. Eat your fruits and vegetables and make sure you get plenty of E and C in the process to fight free radicals.
  • Sports: School survey making waves: Effort to gauge female interest in a sport is raising concerns under Title IX law...this is kinda like gay marriage. Anything on the subject makes my blood boil. I couldn't even read all of the shit in the sports section. Maybe I'll try to tackle that at lunch.

Thank you, Bill Gates, for being a bright spot. Say what you will about him...the man is incredibly generous and compassionate.

And now...back to our regularly scheduled look into my neurosis...



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Monday, May 16
 
Today was the kind of day...

...that makes me crave being naked, curled up on my couch with a glass of cabernet, a down comforter pulled over me, and my head on your chest.

Anyone want to join me?


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Music...

Okay, so I want to be able to upload songs within posts...not just on the sidebar...anyone have tips for me?


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Sunday, May 15
 
From Jack...

No Other Way

When your mind is a mess
So is mine
I can't sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break
All the words that we said
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen
Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now
Please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that I'd know
We told each other
There is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we would find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other
There is no other way


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I didn't get to goul in time...is that what it was called?

I'm it! Courtesy of carrie (brat! you better finish Atlas Shrugged now!)...

1. Total number of books I've owned: hundreds, probably thousands

2. Last book I bought: The Story of O (yeah, yeah, I know...finally), Reage

3. Last book I read: The Bride Stripped Bare, Gemmell...I wrote about it

4. Books that mean a lot to me:

  • The Vampire Lestat, Rice
  • Dracula, Stoker
  • Great Expectations, Dickens
  • Anna Karenina, Tolstoy
  • Wuthering Heights, Bronte
  • The God of Small Things, Roy
  • Eyes of the Dragon, King
  • Atlas Shrugged, Rand
  • The Foundtainhead, Rand
  • Love Is the Killer App, Sanders
  • Swing Stories: First-Person Tales of Sexual Adventure, Abrams & Abrams

5. Tag 5 people and have them do this on their blog: I think Edge is making me a softy...I'm not going to publicly ask anyone to do it...but there are a couple of you who I'd like to see do it...and you know who you are....



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I'm still here...

...and til I'm gone...don't you rub in too hard that I've been wrong...

I'm not quite sure what to say about the last few days...let's just say it's been an intense month.

I hope everyone is well. This week is going to be crazy...five cities in five days. Maybe I'll bring along my glass friend to keep me company. It needs a name. Ideas?


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Thursday, May 5
 


So I get this unexpected email before I take off tonight. It's from a client...well, sort of a client. She and her husband have both been involved with us in various capacities. Him more than her. She's probably the only woman who has shown interest in me sexually (in person) that I've thought about. There was a time when A and I were in circles where women who were interested in him showed interest in me as a way to get to him...I couldn't stand any of them cause they were so incredibly transparent. They all ended up fucking each other and I was gladly left out of it (although I was devastated).

So anyway. I get this email from her. Hmmm...she needs a name. I'll call her Jane. So Jane emails me tonight to tell me that she's going to be closer to me geographically for awhile and wonders if it's close enough to get together. She and her husband are having a rough time right now (and will quite possibly divorce) and I'm assuming that she's volunteered for an out-of-town work assignment to get away from the drama. I responded to her email quickly before take off that that we'll be close and when would she be around.

I adore her. I think she's an incredible woman and, frankly, I think she's incredibly sexy. We went out for drinks one night, just the two of us, and I think if I hadn't consumed more gin than one should in such a short setting I would have picked up on the fact that she was hitting on me. I'm so fucking naive sometimes. Honestly. My entire adolescence, I completely missed most advances. So anyway. I realized it the next day once the gin wore off and I realized I'd lost my PDA.

So once I started to realize what had happened, I thought about her. If you've been around for any length of time, you know that I would happily engage in same sex activity. And like I said somewhere above, she's the only woman I've met face-to-face who makes me want to lick her nipples (well, that's not true. There was this one girl...I think it was around the holidays...who A and I both spotted at a party and she got me going. She knew it. I knew it. He knew it. I got kinda freaked and we left without her. Was probably one of the last times A and I had incredible sex. He actually TALKED to me during sex and whispered to me about her. About what I'd do to her and her to me. Sigh. You'd think after seeing what that did to me he would have continued...anyway....)Bottom line: I've thought about it. About her. And about us naked in the same bed.

It's incredibly complicated though. The whole client thing makes it dicey. I could easily get fired if anything happened. (I can hear it in an interview now..."and why did you leave your last position?" "oh, I was caught fucking one of our clients with my tongue.") She's also going through an incredibly rough time right now. Then there's the whole A part. I think I would tell him if I thought something was going to happen. I know he would be upset if he weren't there, but he'd also understand. He'd just worry that I'd leave him for her, but he would understand my need to explore. (This, by the way, is one of the things about which he can be incredibly understanding, when he's rationale.)

So, she wants to see me when she's in the area. Not unusual...but kinda. Ever since I read the email...which was aobut 40 minutes ago...I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. She's tall...I think she's a tiny bit shorter than me...she's much more well-endowed than my barely 34B...she has dark blond hair that's incredibly long and thick....and she's...well, she's just beautiful. She has this light around her. The last time I saw her I had dinner with her and her husband and I was sad after...the light was gone. I knew she wasn't happy. I knew she wasn't happy with them. Two weeks later I hear they might be getting divorced. Every other time I've been around her though...sigh...she's infectious. She exudes confidence and vulnerability at the same time. She's incredibly feminine. I could go on and on....and now this email has prompted me to finally confront my feelings about the situation and her.

I'm just going to do what I would do with anyone with whom I enjoy spending time...try to see her if she's around when I am. Until then, I'll fantasize like I have for the last 45 minutes. About her. About her voice. About her body. About what I'd do to her. About what she'd do to me.

Fuck.

I'm so fucking aroused right now. There are a few women who have gotten me going in the past...some of them are reading this right now...and a couple of them know who they are...but you are all out of reach for various reasons. Jane's not. She's right there in front of me.

Fuck.

My luck, she just wants to know where I got my briefcase and isn't interested in me at all.
(I think I'm sweating sex right now...I think the female flight attendant serving me is trying to get me drunk. She won't let my wine glass go below half before filling it. And her tongue has sprung from her mouth more times than necessary.)


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Wednesday, May 4
 
Okay, I get it now.

I don't follow American Idol, but I've heard enough about Bo Bice to know who he is.

Now that I've paid closer attention, all I have to ask is:

Did you SEE those hands?

There's a Bo Bice blog too...



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Tuesday, May 3
 
Cut or uncut?

Okay boys, fess up and let us know. SN and I are doing a little research...


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Monday, May 2
 
Smooth as a baby's bottom

I did it.
Will do it again.
Beats the shit out of shaving...I'm curious about how quickly it will grow.
It hurt, but only for a second after each strip.
I was tender for the first two days.
The woman who waxed me said I might want to avoid sex for the first day or so.
I'm glad she told me this, otherwise I would have been worried about the tenderness.
Unfortunately, I have some red bumps on top.
I left a small strip on top, I don't think I like how it looks.
I shaved everything once and don't like how that looks either.
Next time, I'll get more creative and ask more questions.
I'm having a hard time thinking about anything else.
I went to the porn shop immediately after and picked up some new toys.
More about those soon...


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Wednesday, April 27
 
Tasks complete!

1. Hair appointment next weekend...couldn't get this weekend due to a conflict with the previously scheduled....

2. Wax. If you hear a scream at 12:15 or so on Saturday, just ignore it. I'll be fine.


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To Do

Don't mind me, just need a reminder for myself...and sn forgot to remind me of 2. today too.
  1. Move up hair appointment
  2. Schedule wax

Let me know if I'm forgetting anything, k?



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Sometimes I want to yell out. Scream. To all of you (no, not YOU, not the ones reading this) how do you think you can know me? Do we ever talk about me? No, I'm the master at talking about what you've got going on and ignoring me.

Master, I tell ya.

If you would just fucking listen to me, really listen to what I'm saying, you would ask more questions. I listen. I ask. We end up talking about you the entire time. My initial conclusion: you don't give a fuck about me. My latest conclusion: you're clueless to most everything around you other than yourself. I'm clueless to what's going on with me. Seems to be a perfect marriage.

Except you.

You know who you are.

You know me.

You pay attention.

You know me better than I know me.

Maybe I'm too predictable.


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I can't stand...

Bill O'Reilly. I just had to say it out loud. Kinda.


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Tuesday, April 26
 
The Great Comment Mystery

At one time, I used Blogger comments...and now am back to Haloscan. So...you can imagine my surprise when I received a comment in my email from Blogger (I used to have it set up to email me comments). It seems Doogooder found a way to comment via Blogger through Bloglines. I was baffled until I asked him. Sly dog.

I'm turning off Blogger comments until I can figure out how to have both....


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Your Hungry Whore

I've been ready for your cock since I woke.

I crave it.

I can't get you out of my head.

My cunt feels empty no matter what I shove inside.

My clit is throbbing for you...for your thumb to wetly press it hard against me while you pound away at me.

I want you to pin me against the first wall you see...one hand in my hair pulling my head back to find my lips and the other pulling my thong to the side.

Your cock right behind your hand.

I can't get enough of you.

I'll never get enough of you.

As soon as you cum, my mouth will be around your cock bringing it back.

I'm your hungry whore today.


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Monday, April 25
 
Cinnamon coffee

It makes me think of college. Of the deli next to the building where I spent the majority of my final three semesters. They always had coffee that was brewed with cinnamon. I loved it. That and a pumpkin cheese muffin. Their muffins were terrible for you, but I didn't care much then. And their sanniches....and soup....mmmmm. I think I lived off their food for a year and a half.

I spent some time with one of my college professors last week and now I can't get graduate school off my mind. I don't know if I could do it. It's incredibly appealing to me though. Going where he is appeals to me too.

Think I'm going to check into it.


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To the man...

...who invented the snoozable wake up call, you're just plain evil.

And yes, I'm sure it was a man. A woman wouldn't be so cruel.


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Sunday, April 24
 
Stripped Bare


bare
Originally uploaded by dagnytagart.

I read a book this evening...

The Bride Stripped Bare.

Left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. Picked it up at Target this afternoon.

I highly recommend it. (Unlike this book...read it while on vacation and was incredibly disappointed.)

Oh, and, I want that cover on my wall...well, maybe without the words...just sayin'.



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Saturday, April 23
 
On why I hate going to hospitals

Disclaimer: If you're a member of the medical profession, please do not take offense to this unless you see a little of yourself in what I describe. This is only based on my experience with a few assholes. I'm sure you're not all that bad.

Since the ripe old age of 18, I've disliked most of the physicians I've encountered. Primary reason? They haven't demonstrated that they listen to me, haven't shown respect for me, and haven't demonstrated that they actually give a shit about what I'm going through. In addition, they've looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about when I was explaining to them how MY body was feeling.

This actually all started when I was 11. That physician, however, won me over. I didn't have a whole lot of control over who I was seeing back then...parents are funny like that. After Dr. John saw that I wasn't accepting his diagnosis of "growing pains" he finally took what I told him and applied it to what he knew about bones and deduced that I had the same problem that I had deduced. Funny how 11 year olds can do that. Well, you see, my brother and I have the same structural issue with our legs and I was experiencing the same symptoms as he...hmmmm...would make sense that we had the same issue. Well, Dr. John said, "girls don't get that." Guess I proved him wrong.

After seeing Dr. John for the next 7 years, he won me over...diagnosed some of my other structural issues (these subsequent times he listened, even though I was "too young" for a couple of them), and we became buds.

There was one problem, however, that Dr. John couldn't solve. He told me to go to a specialist (even though he IS a specialist, just the wrong kind). So...off I went. I was attending a large research university and went to one of the docs at the university's hospital. Of course, the one to whom I was referred was no longer taking new patients, so I went to the one who could see me...yeah, I know...that's like getting your haircut by the stylist who has immediate openings.

So my new doc poked and prodded me and sent my blood off for tests. When it got back and I came back in he informed me that he was putting me on pretnizone and some other drug I can't remember. Anyone who knows anything about the steriod pretnizone knows that the side effects are terrible...you pretty much can't be in the sun for more than 3 minutes. The other drug could possibly cause permanent retinal damage and I was advised that I better go get an eye exam. Remember, I was 18. But...here's the kicker...

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!

He thought it was one of two things, but wasn't sure what cause the bloodwork was inconclusive. WTF?

After listening to all of this, I stood up, handed him his prescriptions back, and told him I would no longer be using his services.

Every other of these specialist I've seen since, except one, has done the same thing. The one who didn't practices in my hometown...which is 1,000 miles away...so that doesn't work out so well.

I have a general practitioner right now who I LOVE. She's great. There's just one problem. She's not around on the weekends when something comes up...and when am I usually around...the weekends.

Which brings me to the incident today that prompted this whole post. I went to the emergency room today. Nothing serious, but something annoying enough to compel me to go in before I leave on an airplane tomorrow. It's been bugging me since Wednesday night, I thought it would go away, it didn't and actually got worse today.

I went in, waited for over two hours, saw a physician who told me, "I don't know what it is and if I don't know what it is then I can't help you."

I don't expect a physician to know what every single ailment is for every single person who walks through their door. I do expect them to use deductive reasoning based on what they've learned in medical school and their experience to figure it out. Isn't that what tests are for? I've watched enough ER to know that according to Luka, American docs perform high priced and unnecessary tests. That's actually not what this is about though. This is about the fact that:

THE GUY WAS AN ASSHOLE.

Blink, the latest book by Malcolm Gladwell, explains how insurance companies underwrite malpractice insurance. You know it's based on? The physician's personality. If a doc screws up yet demonstrates that he or she listens to his/her patients and shows some concern for them, THEY DON"T GET SUED. If they screw up and are assholes, they do. (check it out if you're looking for a book .... or the Tipping Point, his other book, it's in paperback, but Blink is still hardcover).

So...to my doc today: fuck off. I hope you get sued.


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Wednesday, April 20
 
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today was another one of those days. ERFC (emotional roller fucking coaster).

I didn't get a good nights sleep last night and overslept--right through the fucking wake-up call and alarm on my phone.

Once I figured that all was still okay, I determined that the only way to make things better was to cum. Thank you, by the way.

Get to the client and all is well.

Then I get into this conversation with a co-worker (who's really my professional mentor and a great friend) over a hastily written email that I shouldn't have sent since I wasn't prepared to discuss it. It pretty much said that I'm having a hard time seeing where I'm going...next thing I know, my phone is ringing. He's not going to let this go. He asks me if I meant at work or at home. My response: "both." His response: silence. I've never alluded to issues between me and A to anyone outside of you.

I felt a weight off my shoulders once I told him though. I was at that point where tears would have started flowing had I been talking to my mom. I have a strong need to not cry in front of or over the phone to co-workers though. Just this thing I have. He knew I was almost there and let me drop it.

But...get ready for the advice to begin.


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Tuesday, April 19
 
To all the girls I've loved before...

WARNING: RAMBLE

I'm in the air to my next client. Before we took off, while all of my electronic devices were turned off and I actually had a chance to quiet my head, I started thinking about why I continue to blog even in the midst of this funk.

Then I pulled out my latest find: The Best American Erotica, 2005 (picked it up in another airport bookstore...more women must be running these things). I read a short story that made me think about you kids again. Really though, I turned my attention to the ladies.

I cannot adequately explain how much more comfortable I am with my body, my thoughts, and my wants compared with before I started blogging and chatting. It's like night and day.

Am I still insecure?

Yes.

I try my damndest to ignore the thoughts in my head that spark this inferiorty thing. I'm better than I was, but not better. I know a few people who would like to spank it out of me...good thing they're not within reach. Sigh.

Why did the story prompt these thoughts?

None of my friends openly talk about sex. When I let little comments out...you would think I was talking about mutilating puppies. The looks they give me! It's just crazy. The result...I've slowly pulled away from them. It's not just about sex. We just have very different outlooks on life and where we want to go. If any of them knew that I fantasize about quitting my job and serving him...they'd tell me I was wrong. Never would C think about that. Not the career driven one. They refuse to acknowledge why I'm this way. That I never wanted to be this way. I did it out of fear. They can't see the person who's inside me. Me. They only see what I do. They don't look for motivation. They don't question.

Well, none of you have ever needed to cause I've spilled everything here on these pages. BUT, those who see that and related to it or are attracted to it or intrigued by it stick around and add their two cents. Some add their quarter. Some hump my leg (among other things). You see me for who I am cause that's all I give you...and that's all I give you cause you don't judge and I know you won't judge cause many of us think and feel similarly.

Anyway...thank you. You all know you are. I love reading you. I love knowing what you think. Thanks for being there.


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Emotionally spent

That's how I feel today.
Emotional roller fucking coaster.

I went from...
...kind outta it to
needing to cum to
about to cry to
giggling to
incredibly worried to
remorseful to
relieved to
angry to
incredibly aroused to
sad to
peaceful.

I can't believe it's only fucking Tuesday.

I use the word fuck too much.

Great. Now, I'm at critical.

I think I need a good spanking.


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Guilty, as charged!

From the humpin' Kat....

My Linguistic Profile:
  • 70% General American English
  • 20% Upper Midwestern
  • 10% Yankee
  • 0% Dixie
  • 0% Midwestern


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I want to wake up
with your fingers entering me
and your lips on mine.

Roll me on top of you?


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Monday, April 18
 


So...last night...I get to my destination and walk up to my rental car (the agency I use has my car ready for me when I get there...I don't choose what model I want, they choose for me). I walk up to a baby blue Mercury Grand Marquis. This has been a new trend with them--it's supposed to be a perk, an upgrade--Grand Marquis and Lincolns have been the norm lately. These cars are enormous. I could fit 5 of me in the trunk.

Anyway, I'm cruising down the highway in my boat (that had satellite radio, by the way, which helped improve my mood a bit) and I change radio stations and on comes Snoop Dogg. Gin & Juice. I start "singing" along. About half way through the song, something strikes me. Here's what was running through my head:
I'm approaching my late 20s and rapping along to Snoop Dogg. Isn't that strange?

Nope, not really. I was in my early years of high school when that song came out.

Damn, that was over 10 years ago.

So am I turning into one of those lame chicks who's still trying to stay young?

I'm not trying, but maybe.

Fuck that. It was totally unconscious.

I betcha if my 18 year old cousin heard me right now though, she'd think I was trying to fit in.

Kids can be such assholes.

"Kids"...damn. Guess I'm not one anymore.

Fuck that. I'm never growing up.
Sigh. Just picture me rapping along to Snoop, kickin' it in the baby blue Grand Marquis. If I had it a couple more days, it'd have hydraulics.


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Sunday, April 17
 
Ummmm...

....yeah.

Time to catch up.
  • I haven't been posting as much because I haven't been making time to write what's on my mind. So...when I find a free moment and realize I won't have time to compose my thoughts, I just don't post anything.
  • I'll post more about some things I realized while on vacation in the coming days.
  • Things with A are status quo. I'm in a bit of a pickle though, I think. He believes we're the strongest we've been in years....I think this is solely based on the fact that we're having sex on a regular basis. I know that you think I need to talk to him...frankly, everything that isn't okay, we've talked about. I don't think it's going to get better. He does need to know that all is not well.
  • The vacation was great. As far as I can tell, everyone but whitey behaved. I'll let you talk to The Princess about your punishment.
  • Doogooder is having a blogger baby shower for SN. Check it out!
It seems that many of us are in a bit of a funk. Might be cause it's spring.

It's April, you know.


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Thursday, April 14
 
And...


Shower
Originally uploaded by dagnytagart.

...we're back. Sorry I didn't post earlier...it was easier to read your blogs and comment than compose my own thoughts. Here's me...from the middle of the trip...at the second place we stayed. We had an outdoor shower.

More to come...



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Saturday, April 2
 
Send me on my way....

....we're almost there. The first flight was 13 hours and this next one is 7. Looking forward to getting there and then sleeping to try to get on their schedule. I've been up for almost two days.

I may or may not check in over the next two weeks...if not, please behave. :P


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Thursday, March 31
 
Stuck in my brain....

Get out the map...Indigo Girls

I'm gonna clear my head
I'm gonna drink that sun

The saddest sight my eyes can see
Is that big ball of orange sinking slyly down the trees
Sittin in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee
This perfect moment moment will soon be leaving me

Suzanne calls from Boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
And that same sun that warms your heart will suck the good earth dry
With everything it's opposite enough to keep you crying
Or keep this old world spinning with a twinkle in its eye

Get out the map get out the map
And lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone

I'm gonna clear my head
I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young

Joni left for South Africa a few years ago
And Beth took a job all the way over on the West Coast
And me I'm still trying to live half a life on the road
Seems I'm heavier by the year and heavier by the load

Why do we hurtle ourselves through ever inch of time and space
I must say around some corner I can sense a resting place
With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face
We'll amuse ourselves one day with these memories we'll trace

Get out the map get out the map
And lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone

I'm gonna clear my head
I'm gonna drink that sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young


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Tuesday, March 29
 


One hand in my hair pushing me down.
One hand slapping my ass.
Your hips slapping against my ass.
Pushing back into you.
Your cock pounding into me, filling me.

You like it when I fuck you like this, don't you?
yes.
You want it harder?
yes.
Harder?
yes.
Harder?
YES.



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Head down

This week has been, and will continue to be, incredibly busy. A and I leave for our first vacation in almost 5 years on Friday. Obviously, we've gone places...but always to visit family or friends. We would still be doing that this time if I hadn't been adament. My only criteria:
  • Warmth
  • Beach
  • My cell phone won't work

So...I'm preparing to be out for almost two weeks...and preparing my clients is difficult (but they're all great and excited for us). So....my apologies for being out of touch. Last weekend was busy too with my brother's birthday, the subsequent hangover, and car shopping.

I'll probably post a couple more times before I go, but wanted to let you know where I've been hiding.



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Thursday, March 24
 
I need...

...to hear your voice.
Whispering in my ear.

What would you tell me?


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Still here....

Just exhausted.


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Monday, March 21
 


When you cup my tits firmly like that, I cannot focus on anything but my erect nipples. Your thumbs on the tips...circling. Your tongue lapping...almost grating...against me. Getting them all wet and then rubbing your fingers over top. Back and forth. Your teeth grazing them. Your lips suckling.

Give me a leg...just rest it between mine.

Please.

Yep, right up there.

I need something to straddle and ride.

Just please don't stop. I want to cum on your leg like this.

If I tilt my hips just so, I can feel my clit against your thigh. My legs clamped around yours. Sliding myself up and down frantically while you take ownership over my nipples.

Just please don't stop.

Ever.


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Friday, March 18
 
Ramble, amble, ding-dong

I'm constantly disappointed. I used to think this was a result of my father over promising everything and then consistently under delivering. I've learned the dangers of high expectations and taught myself to keep my expectations low. So really, it's not hard to make or keep me happy anymore. Most people in my life still manage to consistently upset me.

The easiest way? Be late.

Show up two hours after I talk to you. Leave me sitting here at work. All I wanted was to spend some time away from my office and out of a suit for the 48 hours I have before I get on the next airplane. You can be late all fucking week to whatever the fuck you're doing. How hard is it to be on time? Or at least set me expectation if you're going to be late?

It goes back to the control issue. I let the lease on my car expire and now have been without an automobile for three weeks. I really only need one Friday through Sunday, so I've been putting it off. I loathe car shopping. I know lots of people who enjoy it; I'm not one of them. It's negotiating. And going with A. He and I have differences in opinions when it comes to that stuff.

Anyway, he's close. Brother's with him. Now I'm pissy.

At least I got to catch up with you.


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Wednesday, March 16
 


I came for you tonight. Just like I do almost every night.
All I can smell right now is my cum on my fingers.
I just want you to be able to taste me, on my lips and tongue,
after I've licked your cock clean.


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Tuesday, March 15
 
Distracted

When you:
  • walk out of the airport and to your rental car without your bag because you forgot you checked it
  • take the wrong exit cause you were thinking about going somewhere else
  • turn the wrong way because you see the Sherton where all of those people were shot and can't think of anything else once you see it
  • sleep in pajamas cause you want to feel like he's close to you, around you

You know something's on your mind.



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Saturday, March 12
 


I wake up with your arms sliding between my naked body and the couch. I must have fallen asleep while we read together on the couch...both of us naked...my legs resting over your lap, a blanket covering my body.

Before I realize what's happening and have a chance to protest, I'm in the air and you're carrying me. I move my head to your shoulder and immediately feel your lips resting on the top of my head and you exhaling warm breath into my hair.

The walk to our bed seems so effortless for you. I inhale deeply ... loving the smells of your chest.

You lie me down in the middle of the bed and I immediately roll onto my stomach, pushing the pillows away from my head. My head turned to the left, my arms outstretch on the bed above me.

I feel your tongue on my left ankle first, at the base of my Achilles tendon. You slowly lick up the back of my leg. Kissing and nibbling to rehydrate your tongue and then licking again.

When your tongue reaches the crease under the left side of my tuchas, I let out a barely audible moan that I know you hear by the soft chuckle that escapes you right before you hungrily kiss the bottom of my cheek.

I want you to bury your tongue between my lips so badly that I start to turn over.

Your hands move immediately to my hips and hold me there on my stomach.

This isn't about what you want, my dear. If I wanted you on your back, you'd be on your back.

Your voice...and the firmness...drives me crazy...my pussy getting wetter by the second.

I respond by parting my legs more...a move I'm not quite sure if you'll allow, but I attempt anyway. This is one of those times I just need to spread my legs.

You are my little slut, aren't you? Always needing your legs spread. Spread wider for me. C'mon....wider...spread for me.

A soft whimper escaping my lips, I move my legs as far apart as I can manage.

That's right baby...

You move to lie over top of me, placing your erection between my legs, and your lips rest on the outside of my ear. I feel you suckling my lobe as you move back and your head enters me slowly.

I push my ass back into you, wanting you to fill me completely.

Deeper.

I don't want to go deeper yet, darling. I want to feel you take every inch of me into you.

I need you inside me. Deep inside me. Deeper than anyone has ever been inside me before.

I think you've fogotten something, C.

I already am.


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Soundtrack

Today is an Indigo Girls day.

Just thought you all should know.

Good hiding music.


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Hiding Out

That's what I'm doing today...and what I'll likely do tomorrow. I was like this the last time he moved in too. I love that A and I can be in our house and not disrupt each other if we don't feel like it. A, my brother, my brother's dog, and me....not quite as easy. Couple that with the fact that we have no heat...and I'm outta there.

I got a call that it's now warmer inside than out. I still don't want to be there. I hate that my brother is not more self sufficient and that everything revolves around me. I entertain people all week long, I need a break from it on the weekends.

At least I can catch up with all of you though! I've gots lots of readin' to do!


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Friday, March 11
 
Just cause I want you to be informed...

MysticSpirit left this in my comments and I wanted to make sure no one missed out. In regards to my post about getting a Brazilian Wax.....(and Thank you!)

Laser is AMAZING! Also has a degree of pain to it - like teeny elastic
bands snapping you over and over, and the heat can make ya jump, but it lasts a
really LONG time in between and has some degree of permanence if you do the full
process (6-10 treatments, depending)You can use topical numbing cream to
diminish the pain, if you don't like it. *grin*Oh - and... NO RASH from laser.
LOVE IT!

MysticSpirit Email Homepage 03.10.05 - 8:55 pm #



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Monday, March 7
 
Come and get me.

I'm a lil tipsy and hornier than a mountain lion jumpin a cactus.

This photo ... makes me think of being curled up on your lap. Even though I'm about eight inches taller than she.

I need a smoke. I tell you that?


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Sunday, March 6
 
Sexy, gorgeous, and sweet...oh my!

I just need to say thank you to the sweetest reader a girl could have. You all know her and we all love her.

KAT!

No matter how sad, pissed, lonely, irritated, or grumpy I am...she always makes me smile (and her humps are quite nice, too).

So thank you our sexy Katriana. You always keep things light and I'm thankful you continue to come here and read. After reading your comments, I always remember that it could be much, much, much worse.

Now I just wish I could kiss you....maybe on the cheek...


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Trapped

I've felt trapped all weekend. No where to go. Thank god I'm heading out again tonight. So strange.


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Thursday, March 3
 
Traveling with a friend

I typically don't bring many toys with me on the road. A few months ago, I picked up a small vibrator that now travels with me, but that's it.

This week, an old friend joined me and now I don't know if we can part during my travels. The vibrator always ends up on my clit and I always want something inside me. My friend is the "something" I've been missing. They're a match made in heaven.

Of course, it all comes down to my nerves while in the security line. On my way out on Sunday, I figured that the security guy would be more embarassed than me if he pulled it out of my carry-on. When I returned on Tuesday, I had the same attitude. The one guy was a little too nice to me when I went through the line, but maybe it's cause he could see my nipples poking through my jacket.

I think I've decided that the glass dildo stays with me, but not if I'm traveling with someone. Talk about mortifying (that word always makes me think of reading YM when I was in middle school). Can you imagine...getting your shit searched through and someone pulls out a six inch glass dildo? It's not like you would use it for anything else.

I'll let you know how it goes and most certainly tell you about the first time someone pulls it out of my bag and holds it up to their eyes for a closer look.

My face is already bright red. I think it will be worth the chance.


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Galileo

The thoughts running through my head this week make me think of this song, for many reasons really. For the time when I discovered the Indigo Girls...and would fall asleep to the cassette tape playing in my little player cause I couldn't sleep unless I used some sort of noise to drown out the sounds from downstairs. For the good times with old friends belting this out while we're drunk either at a bar or in our apartment or in a field. For the actual words in the song make me wonder how long I'll live with the ghosts of my past.

Galileo's head was on the block
the crime was looking up for truth
and as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I try to trace them to my youth

And then you had to bring up reincarnation
over a couple of beers the other night
and now I'm serving time for mistakes
made by another in another lifetime

How long till my soul gets it right
can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of galileo
king of night vision, king of insight

And then I think about my fear of motion
which I never could explains
ome other fool across the ocean years ago
must have crashed his little airplane

How long till my soul gets it right
can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of galileo
king of night vision, king of insight

I'm not making a joke, you know me
I take everything so seriously
if we wait for the time till all souls get it right
then at least I know there'll be no nuclear annihilation
in my lifetime I'm still not right

I offer thanks to those before me
that's all I've got to say
'cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime
now I have to pay
but then again it feels like some sort of inspiration
to let the next life off the hook
but she'll say "look what I had to overcome from my last life
I think I'll write a book"

How long till my soul gets it right
can any human being ever reach the highest light
except for Galileo God rest his soul
(except for the resting soul of Galileo)
king of night vision, king of insight
How long(till my soul gets it right)
[til we reach the highest light] how long
(till my soul gets it right)
[til we reach the highest light] how long


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Uh oh...

The hottie electrician is here today working on the suite next door...and has to be in our office a lot. Watch out...he's wearing jeans...Damn.


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Wednesday, March 2
 


***Disclaimer...I swear I wasn't high when I wrote this. Just the voices in my head all coming out at once.

It's all so simple. I never claimed to be complicated. Just surrounded by complicated situations. Complicated relationships. Realizing it makes me feel vulnerable. Cold and nekked.

You know how I hate being cold.

Since late this afternoon, I've been evaluating the decisions I've made over the past fifteen years. My choices. What has motivated me? Is there a common premise? A theme?

Yep.
Glaring right at me.
Staring me in the eye.

Security.
Told you I was simple.

I've made every choice to protect me--physically, financially, and emotionally. If I recall correctly, I have gotten very far up Maslow’s hierarchy.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking, what's the fucking point?

Without realizing it, I'm constantly insuring (and yes, I mean insure and not ensure...I'm like a good neighbor) my future--making sure that I will never, ever, never go back to the time when I had no control over where I'd be tomorrow, the situation I was in, their promises, my hopes.

I stopped believing them, shut myself off emotionally, avoided all of them physically, and started working.

If I work hard enough, I'll get out.
I'll get away.
Stay out of the black hole that is my home town and the vacuum that is my family.
You're not dragging me down.

The problem...I can't stop sprinting. There's always this sense of impending doom. I never lay real strong tracks. I always had what I absolutely needed within reach and ready. I suppose I've manifested that in my travel now (not really, but one could think so).

I stop and fight when I need to. . .Bring it on you bastard. I'm not scared of you. Try it and see what happens. You'll have to kill me to get away with it. I'm a tough bitch you know. Especially when I know I'm right.

I've thought about this before but always racked it up to one piece, not the whole. Mainly, I've thought about financial stability or emotional security. But if I really think about it, about defining moments from my adolescence to now--it's really been to protect me. I'm planning my future so that I don't end up there.

Why am I so afraid of failure? Why do I work as hard as I do? Why does having children scare me so? Why am I so damn insecure in my relationships?

All goes back to the same issue. Fucker.


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Tuesday, March 1
 
I've been lying to myself

Well, kind of, but not really.
I don't ever want to feel like that again.
Ever.
It's not about the money; it's about feeling helpless.
Out of control.
I refuse to do anything that would put me there.
Unless....

How does someone who has known me for so long not get this, but someone who has never looked me in the eye get it? Get me?

I'm floored.

I need to admit this to me.
The reason I won't let go. What's driving me.
(I think I just did.)
I need to admit it to him too.


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Monday, February 28
 
Brazilian Wax

...I've been thinking about it for some time. I wandered into a spa a few weeks ago that offered it as a service and would have done it if I hadn't shaved the night before. So I'm wondering...
  • Have you? (If you're male, have you been with anyone who has?)
  • Did you enjoy the after effects?
  • If so, have you done it again?
  • If so and you only tried it once, why didn't you try it again?


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Random list...

Coutesy of Edge and flygirl...

I am a woman who...

  • Loves to spoil and surprise others.
  • Always goes overboard with gifts.
  • Appreciates great service.
  • Loves music but knows nothing about it other than what I like.
  • Loves to spoil myself...with most everything.
  • Is incredibly loyal to my family and friends.
  • Fiercely defends those I love, even when they piss me off.
  • Always remembers and reminds those I love of their potential.
  • Believes my past has nothing to do with where I'm going but I have a hard time forgetting where I came from.
  • Doesn't appear girly at first blush, although I love girly things.
  • Impulse shops for most everything.
  • Hasn't looked back since I was 15.
  • Has never felt more lost.
  • Has benefited greatly from others who have believed in me.
  • Will not take money from others.
  • Is proud to be from the Midwest.
  • Hates being cold, but I don't think I could ever live somewhere without a snowy winter.
  • Is my own toughest critic.
  • Is scared enough about having children that I don't want them.
  • Has never felt satisfied.
  • Feels distant from most of my family.
  • Wants desperately for my parents to be proud of me.
  • Is a closet loner and introvert.
  • Procrastinates, often times to a fault.
  • Has an inferiority complex.
  • Romanticizes about everything.
  • Constantly dreams.



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Sunday, February 27
 


I want you to unravel me. Strip me of my defenses. Make me forget everything but you and your voice and the throbbing heat radiating between my thighs.


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For the record

I know this is all my doing. I have chosen this path. I perpetuate this.

I know.

Okay, I'll stop with the defensiveness.


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Wasn't meant to be

I just spent the last 20 minutes on an editorial about how much my family has pissed me off in the last 48 hours and how I spent yesterday doing nothing but sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I wiped it all away with the stroke of one key. I think it served its purpose cause I'm not angry enough to rewrite it at this point. Here are Cliffs notes:

  • No talk with A
  • Brother is moving back.
  • No talk with A cause my brother is moving back.
  • I feel like my brother's mother.
  • I'm still angry at my mother for acting like my child.
  • A and I still had a difficult conversation today.
  • I feel like I'm turning into his mother too.
  • No wonder I'm scared to death to have kids.
  • The first three I've had have been enough.
  • I think it's why I like being your shy maiden.
  • Makes me feel like I would "pre-kids"

Okay, go about your business...


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Thursday, February 24
 
First meeting

"I'm waiting for you in the hotel bar."

"I'm on my way, baby. Are you wearing what I sent?"

"Of course."

"Everything?"

"Of course."

I'm blushing because the slit of the dress almost reveals the top of my stockings and the guy next to me at the bar keeps looking. I'm calm and confident though. Only nervous because you're almost here.

"Are you having a cocktail?"

"Sapphire martini. I couldn't resist the gorgonzola stuffed olives I saw behind the bar."

I hear you chuckle, which makes me smile. You know how I love to indulge.

"How's your room?"

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect. The flowers are gorgeous, by the way."

"I'm glad you like them. You look beautiful, by the way."

"Excuse me?"

I look up and see you standing in front of me. When I realize that you're actually there, my mouth drops open in shock. I guess it's better that it happend this way....less warning. You take my phone from my hand, turn my stool so that I'm facing you and lean in so that you're mouth is next to my ear.

"Uncross your legs, baby."

As you pull back, you softly kiss my cheek. I know my face is flushed...feverish...and I'm looking down and not realizing it.

With your finger, you tip my chin up and I realize what's happening. I slowly uncross my legs and you move between them (and the slit now exposes the top of my thigh but I don't care). Your hands reach out, take hold of my ass, and pull me forward so that my ass is resting on the edge of the chair. Your hips pressing into me. I can feel the shaft of your erection pressing against me.

You stand there for a second and just smile at me. I reach up with my left hand and cup the side of your face. I'm trembling. I can't believe you're actually standing in front of me.

And then it happens. Slowly...deliberately...you lean back in...your hand grasps the back of my neck and you pull me into you...as our lips touch for the first time and your tongue enters my mouth...searching, exploring. My stomach drops. I inhale you while we kiss...needing to take all of you in....and my hands move to your hips and pull you in tighter. I feel my entire body weaken and all I want is for you to pick me up and take me to my room.

I feel you pulling back and lick your lips as you do. You just stand up straight again, but don't move from your position. I see the look of pride in your eyes. One word escapes your lips as you stand there and look at me....

"Mine."


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Saturday, February 19
 
Deadbeat

Yep, I know. Regular posting should resume shortly. I've just been trying to stay above water at work. Before I start writing I need to read and catch up on what's going on with all of you!


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Monday, February 14
 


Regardless of your views on today, I hope you have a great day and enjoy at least a few laughs.


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Friday, February 11
 
Coming down...

I've had the longest fucking week in recent memory. I'm not quite sure how I got everything done, but by some miracle I have and on little sleep. I'm just starting to realize how effective adrenaline can be.

I'm starting to come down though...which isn't good since I need to spend the afternoon with clients. Any dirty thoughts to keep me going?


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Thursday, February 10
 
No relief

Must.concentrate.on.something.other.than.your.tongue.on.my.clit.




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Wednesday, February 9
 
Quick Break

I'm on a break from my meeting...and all I have to say is that I think I'm more aroused when I have less sleep. My clit has been throbbing since I woke up...which isn't abnormal...but it hasn't stopped all freaking day.

Can be quite distracting.


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Smarty pants

Here's something I want from my man: intelligence. A quiet, unboastful intelligence. In my late teens I would have never believed it but I think I want a man who's smarter than me. Otherwise I'd have a hard time letting him spank my ass and call me his whore. And a certain arrogance...one where there's no question I'm his. It's just a given because I belong to him. Arrogance isn't always negative you know. There's nothing I dislike more than blatant, unwarranted arrogance. When right, it goes with the unapologetic thing.

Hmmm...my how we grow.


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I just realized that I've been awake for almost 24 hours. I think I'm at 22 hours and 50 minutes. WTF? Of course when I finally get here I can't sleep.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.


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Tuesday, February 8
 
Pleasant surprise

So my crazy day is winding down. I'm at the airport on my way to city #2. I walk into a bookstore cause I need something to look at that is not work related.

The first thing I see?

Erotica!

No airport book store ever carries erotica! I check every time I walk into one (and I'm in at least two, if not three, airports per week) and never, ever do I find it. Today is my lucky day! There were even 6 different books! I bought two, will let you know what I think.


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Kicking me arse

Yep, work is kicking my ass this week...and what day is it? Oh yeah, it's TUESDAY. I'm on city 1 of 3. Left home at 4:30 a.m. yesterday.

You'll be the first to know when I come up for short breaths of fresh air.


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Monday, February 7
 
Happy Birthday

You know who you are. Hope you enjoyed your day.


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Saturday, February 5
 
Why I love you guys...

...cause you tell me what you are thinking and not what you think I want to hear. For that I thank you.

Okay...I want to respond to doogooder's comment on the post below.

I agree with you that relationships require sacrifice.

I also believe that was a point in my life where I was still discovering me--and for me to figure out who I was, I needed to think about me. Selfish? Yep.

The best thing for me? Yep.

The best thing for our relationship? Yep.

I didn't give him an ultimatum. It wasn't a "come with me or we're done." It was a "I need to pursue this opportunity cause if I don't, I'll always wonder. I want you to come with me, but I'll understand if you don't."

If I hadn't, I would have resented him. I didn't want that.

Yes, he sacrificed so we could stay together in the same place. So that I could find me.

And I have told him repeatedly that I would do the same for him. I have proven to myself what I can do. What I'm capable of. I know I could survive no matter where we go.

He's not happy here. I've asked him, pleaded with him to pursue opportunities and that if he found something that worked we'd work it out. It just hasn't happend.

So, yes, doogooder, four years ago when I graduated from college, was offered a job that I needed to pursue for me, he sacrificed and followed. Over the past four years, I've encouraged him to pursue similar opportunities and I would do that same.

And about the other point...about other's being inside me. Yes, other's are inside me. In my mind it's not different. In his, it is.

Thanks again honey. I think you used the lasso of truth on me this time!


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Friday, February 4
 
Assignment Part 2....and more.

I'm going for extra credit.

Actually, I don't know that I'll be answering the questions as much as I'll be asking more.

Don't start giving out more assignments after you read this Edge. If you do, do it in your own space. I must say though that the response was quite impressive and I'm glad you followed your own advice. Although I don't know that you really answered the sex part of the question.

Okay, I've openly admitted for some time that my relationship isn't all I want it to be. I know I probably sound stupid when I say I want to make it better (don't get on my case for saying that. I can admit that my hopes are not the most rational things in the whole world and if I want to say they're stupid, then let me.). Maybe pathetic is a better word. Regardless, I'm sure there are some of you out there slowly shaking your head and rolling your eyes. Frankly, I don't blame you; I did the same thing when I read what I wrote. It's so strange though...when I look back over the years at how much we've grown up. Really, I think it's how much I've grown up. I was always the "mature" kid. Uh huh, sure. I was such a baby with him.

We've never been "fighters," in fact, I can probably count the number of times we've actually fought. There was our first trip out west. Road trip the summer before I went to college. My graduation present from A. We went and camped in the Rockies. It was great. I acted like I was 12 half the time. I've always had a tendency to put other's wants in front of my own. I'll do what you want before I'll actually tell you what I want. But if we end up doing what you want and it's not what I want, I'll pout. Well, I should put this all in the past tense, cause I don't do that anymore. I realized how ridiculously I was acting and stopped. Anyway, that was the first one. Then there was when he told me he'd slept with someone else. After I hadn't seen him for three weeks and we had sex in our bed. Um, yeah. I let him have it. Then there was a month later on my 21st birthday when I was determined to take everything everyone gave me and I consumed more alcohol than water in my body and blacked out. I guess I yelled at him pretty good and actually took a swing at him. While I wish I remembered the swing...cause it's probably the only time I've swung at anyone other than my brother, I'm glad I have no recollection. Then there was the time in the bar after the football game when he started bitching at this guy for hitting on me. I worked there and wasn't about to have him get in a fight where I worked. So I picked a fight with him instead. The only other one that's I can think of is when he found out about J and I was out of town. Home a week early before his sister's wedding. Actually, it wasn't really a fight. Just him screaming at me and me trying to make it better. I deserved every thing I got and more. Whew. Okay, done with that. Sorry, it just all came out.

So, where am I going? I have no fucking clue, but we'll get to a point in due time.

I've grown up a TON since we started dating. I'm not passive aggressive. I don't play games (well, I've never really done that). I can compromise when I want to, but I'm often uncompromising. But I recognize it and am completely up front about it. A is the same way. In fact, he's taught me to act like an adult in a lot of ways. We can make a decision when we need to and if we don't believe the other is listening we tell each other. Calmly and rationally. "When you say ...... you make me feel like ..... " Oddly enough, what A didn't teach me....J did. He pushed me in so many ways. There's a theory that describes one's "locust of control" or the degree to which one takes responsibility for themselves / actions. People with an internal locust of control believe everything is within their control. Those with an external locust of control believe that external influences determine their destiny. Anyway, since I read up on this theory in college, I've always identified myself as having an internal locust of control. I've taken control of my life and determined my future (I still believe this to be true, but I also know now how much other's have had to do with it...people who believed in me and wanted me to succeed). Anyway, with work and with my family, there was a point last year when I felt like everything was out of my control. Everyone else was making decisions that affected me and about which I could do nothing. Not any more. Nope. Done with that. J helped me figure out how to get what I want and helped me understand that I was creating the reality I hated so much. I still go to him for advice. He helps me break things down to their more simple form. Ramble, ramble, ramble.

I'm just much more comfortable in my own skin now. A, J, and all of you who come here and read and give me a little piece of you. Your thoughts. You know who you are. The last couple of months I've walked a little taller. That's not a coincidence. I share more of me with you than I do anyone else in my world. So bizarre. Well, not really. It's easier to build new and deeper relationships here because we're removing a bit of the risk and it's less threatening to share less than desirable information.

OKAY, I see a point coming. Actually, a couple of points / questions.

How can people be in relationships and bicker all of the time? I just don't get it. How is that fun? Why would you want to spend time with someone if all you do is argue with one another? I've never understood why people who constantly fight stay together. A good friend of mine will likely become engaged in the next few months to someone I really like...but they constantly fight. I don't get it.

If I'm so much more mature and believe I know how to get what I want, why can't I talk to A more about what I'm feeling? I've thought a lot over the last couple of days about everything. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I need to let him go. What's that cliche? If you love him set him free and if he doesn't come back he was never really yours? I think he's compromising himself to be in our relationship and live where we live. Plain and simple. He would disagree with me. I think that for him to be happy, he needs to find him, Yes, whitey, I agree with you, for the most part. I think that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with us. Well, you know what? I'm finally happy with me. About damn time. He's not happy with him. I don't think we can be happy together until he's happy with him. And as I type this, I'm realizing that it's hard for me to talk to him about it because I'm diagnosing him in a way. I wouldn't want someone telling me I'm not happy with myself. I know he fears that if we live in different cities we'll drift apart. And frankly, he might be right. I have no fucking clue. But that's what I think it is. We've had this conversation before and he's so worried about losing me that he's not trying to find himself. He won't admit it, but I can see it. He's not exploring possibilities because of the constraints he's put around things. Fuck.

He also cherishes that my body is his. No one else has been inside me the way he has. Not like that. Another man inside me would kill him.

So, he's putting conditions on his life and in exploring who he is because he doesn't want to lose me. I know that. I've known that for some time. I've done the opposite. I made choices and he came with. I gave him the option; I knew there were certain things I needed to pursue. He sacrificed a lot and for that I'm grateful. I can't imagine if I'd moved half way across the country by myself. I would have made it, but it would have been a hell of a lot harder. He's always there for me. Whenever I need him. That's part of his identity,,,my big, strong man.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, we're on our final decent and I need to turn this thing off. Probably a good thing. I can't dissect this thing anymore.


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Assignment

On Wednesday, I posted this:

Love the one you're with? I'm perplexed.
I've met many who are somewhat unhappy with their current relationship since I've started blogging...probably because I'm one of them.
Of those people, I think almost all are unhappy with their sex life.
I just can't stop asking why.

Well, Edge decided to give everyone an assignment as a result cause he's curious too. He wants to know what we're all thinking. Normally, I would tell him to stop giving people assignments in my comments, but then I thought that would like I'm being defensive. So, I'm going to respond...whitey did.

***

I've dissected my relationship with A on here a few times.

Ba dum dum.

Okay, so I had to stop writing about it for awhile because it was making me more upset. I'll lay it out here explicitly...my unhappiness stems from changes in him. He's just not the guy he was when we started dating 9 years ago. His spirit is broken. I know all of the reasons why (and to whitey's point, maybe that why he hasn't left my ass). But this loss of confidence affects everything he does.

An example. Our sex life was what started this whole thing, although it's a symptom of the illness. I think most people would think we have a healthy sex life cause we usually have sex at least once a week. If I didn't travel as much, we'd probably fuck more. Unless we're both drunk, it's the same sex almost every time. Trust me, I've tried. If we're drunk and I haven't passed out (I get sleepy when I drink), then it's more fulfilling cause all caution goes out the window. He takes control of me and won't let go. He pushes back when I push him. There's just more passion there. When we're sober (which is 95 percent of the time), there's a hesitance there. I think I kinda freak him out now. I used to be much more shy in bed (he was my first and is my only, which explains part of that) and he tried to pull me out...and well, I'm out now and I'm not quite sure if he knew what he was getting himself into. He's told me since the "incident" (when he found out about J) that he thought I was more open sexually than he. Would have never, ever said that before. He lost his confidence before the "incident."

Okay, so anyway. The larger issue is his lack of confidence. That's really the issue. If you've read anything that I've written about men to whom I've been attracted you know I want that. I use words like strong and unapologetic to describe those who get me going. At one point, that was A. Not anymore. His lack of confidence now permeates everything and has created this hesitancy in him. It's like he's paralyzed and can't make a decision.

So the whole question is why do I stay. Well, I can tell you that. There are two reasons. 1. Cause I love him. I'm doing things right now that would break his heart and some might not believe that I care for him like I do. Well, all I can say about that is that you're not in our relationship so you don't know. 2. I've seen the other side. I've witnessed him in his glory. And I gotta tell you, it's great. Once he gets better, then maybe we'll get better. I know I can't change him; I'm just hoping he can get out of this funk and get back to himself. What I need to do is make sure I don't spend the next 30 years waiting for that to happen.

So the bottom line...if I didn't love him so damn much that it makes me want to cry, then I wouldn't still be around. It's not about my self-confidence. At one point, maybe. And like I said, maybe he's staying with me because he's lost his own confidence.


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Wednesday, February 2
 
My fellow Americans...

He's full of shit.
And promising way more than he should.
He always looks uncertain.
Cheney always looks evil.
The whole thing is one big masturbatory exercise.
We're.fucking.screwed.for.four.more.years.

Go watch this... turn on your sound.




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Happy Birthday!

Just wanted to wish Ayn Rand a happy 100th birthday. Wish she was here to celebrate with us.




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Love the one you're with?

I'm perplexed.

I've met many who are somewhat unhappy with their current relationship since I've started blogging...probably because I'm one of them.

Of those people, I think almost all are unhappy with their sex life.

I just can't stop asking why.

(after I hit publish, I couldn't help but ask myself if perplexed is on whitey's list of pet peeves...but then I realized it's plethora. whew. I betcha the elipses drive him crazy, but it's my way of pausing. I like 'em better than commas.)


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Question:
Sometimes when I'm flying, I will write posts in Word. When I copy and paste these posts into Blogger, it makes the apostrophes and elipses turn into something else. (This is the culprit in the archives...I copied everything from my old blog into Word and then pasted into new posts)

Does anyone know if there's a way to prevent this? A different font perhaps?


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Music. I'm definitely not someone who could point out the finer points. I don't know much about any of it and while I was one of those little girls who danced in front of the mirror above her dresser singing into her hairbrush, I don't have a voice you'd enjoy. (Madonna, True Blue, my first cassette of choice. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, too.). I like to think that I was innocent then. I wasn’t really. I just like to think of that as the innocent period of my life.

I love listening to music though. I finally got my MP3 player back (was broken, had to replace it by sending it to the manufacturer, blah, blah, blah) and with all of my travels, it's one of my gadgets I hate to do without (now I need to get those noise canceling headphones). I have more CDs than I need. I'm much more productive when I'm working and I have music playing in the background. I think it has something to do with working and studying in noisy restaurants and coffee shops. I have a difficult time concentrating in silence.

My life definitely has a soundtrack. I know I'm not alone in this. (Smells. Each period of my life has its own fragrance, too. We'll get into that at another time.) My brain though, my memory, catalogues music well. While my parents didn't encourage us to take up an instrument or perfect our voices, music was always playing in our house. It's funny when people joke about 8 tracks or vinyl and “kids these days not knowing the finer points. I remember my dad' green Monte Carlo with the tan top that had an 8 track player, plus the big ass stereo with the turntable, 8-track player, and cassette player. Damn.

My parents taste in music runs the gamete. Their 8 track collection was mostly country. Oak Ridge Boys, Alabama, Willie, Charlie Daniels, Ronnie Milsap, Eddie Rabbit, Merle. There was also plenty of Beatles and Stones. My mom was big into the Supremes. Now that I think about it, they skipped late sixties and seventies rock and moved to country. Strange. All of the Stones and Beatles was early.

Anyway, we listened to oldies and country. My brother and I listened also to pop and he started listening to the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, and Boogie Down Productions (along with GnR, Def Leppard, and White Snake) when he finished grade school and got into junior high. You can imagine how this went over with my redneck father. (Something else we’ll get into at another time.) Being his shadow though, I listened right along with him and thought he was so cool.

This rambling, of course, was prompted by the music list post. I could write a list for each period of my life. I could write them write now (and maybe I'll take it up as a challenge). There would be lots of stuff that didn't show up in the last list. Madonna. Black Crows. Janice. Indigo Girls. Richard Marx (my mom's divorce phase...Michael Bolton too). Whitney Houston. Led Zeppelin. Ice-T. Garth Brooks. I could go on and on. As I've gotten older, there have been times when I've felt sheepish about my music collection. There's little that's obscure or "impressive" by some standards. That used to bother me. I love songs / artists from every genre, and I once thought that I should not like some and like others more. You know what? This is like those people who don’t think that me being a loner is a good thing. Fuck em. I don't tolerate people who are snobbish about anything. I just like music that I can relate to....

(It's funny that when I just ran spell check...it picked up Zeppelin and wanted to replace it with Joplin. Just thought I'd share.)



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I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man nor ask another man to live for mine.

~Ayn Rand
 
 
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